We're Missing Something

Happy Turkey Day to everyone! I hope you all enjoy it!

I am a bad updater and a bad replier. That all sounds like bad grammar as well, lol.

In any case, I have finished my Nocturne e-book just shy of the 15000 word limit. If anyone wants to read it to offer crit or even just opinions that would be so much appreciated! My next step is editing it and getting it ready for submission. Scary! O_O

Oh! If you do want to read it, e-mail me at mommy2aaron@yahoo.com and I can send it to you in a word document.

I know I suck. I never update. I've been just kind anti-social even on Facebook. I've actually been working away on my Nocturne E-book and doing pretty good so far! I'm excited. Also working four days in a row and I get so cranky when I work more than three so I'm not too into doing a whole lot. Well I can't except sleep really. Heh.

Unfortunately, since my last post I've gained 5 pounds rather than lost, lol. I've been a monster with the candybars lately. I was hoping that decreased appetite thing would last. Time to get back to drinking my tea. And since my pain is decreased with the meds I'm on, also to exercise.

Gah, I have no idea how you all are doing. I feel so bad!

Okay must do more work so I can't talk anymore now. I have five days off though so my lazy butt should do an update worthy of hardly any updates lately.

Thanks to everyone who replied to my freak out entry. It turns out I didn't remember all of what he'd said to me. No big surprise as he'd woken me from an Ambien induced slumber. I think you were right, Jonas, that he really was just having some doubts. It is all worked out now. We are still going to get married and probably in a different location than before. I actually followed your advice too Jonas without actually getting to read your reply first, lol. I just didn't feel like waking him up when I was in freak-out mode was going to work.

But I REALLY appreciate all of your replies and advice and support, guys. You are the best.

I'd make more of an entry but I'm really just grumpy. Work was horrid last night and it's all right tonight. I'm must PMS-y. My lovely time of the month is 5 days late and it's prolonging the PMS so I just want to maim things and such. So no post is going to be very good. It'll just be a lot of useless complaining on my part.

Love you all. <3

HOLY SHIT!!!! (Okay, shit isn't holy so I have no idea why we say this).

I just realized that Jim woke me up mid-sleep (I went to bed early because I wasn't feeling too good. Thank goodness I just feel a little nauseated this morning. I'm so worried of catching the flu here. We've had honest to good cases of the Swine Flu in the hospital on the floor I work). He woke me up and said maybe we shouldn't get married after all.

WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK?!?!?!?!

You know how you are half asleep so you forget these things until they just slam you upside the head?

So after 4 years of being engaged he decides maybe we shouldn't get married?

He's still sleep and granted we need to talk about this more, but my gut is twisting here and I'm a little freaked out and a little close to crying. And I needed to talk about it somewhere with people I know who will be objective.

Why this sudden change of heart? I'm dying to shake him awake and ask him. He knows me. He knows when it's forever it's forever. I remember him... Now I remember him saying he thinks I'll get tired of him and leave him. Isn't that like saying you don't trust me when I tell you I love you and all of your faults no matter what?

Holy shit again.

Whoa, sorry I haven't posted in ages. Things have been super busy at work and I've been super lazy at home and using FB to post little itty bitty things. In any case, I just turned 32 yesterday and we got back from the FFRF convention. We spent Friday to Sunday there and it was amazing. We heard awesome speakers one of which was Ron Reagan. O_O Man oh man was he an excellent speaker. It was so crazy to be just feet away from Ronald Reagan's son!!!

I'll be posting pictures later when I'm not so lazy.

Work has been wild. Very wild and busy and apparently they have now blocked LJ so I can't update or get caught up there which was my primary catch-up place. Grrr. Must be my own fault, lol.

Um, writing... I am working on the 15000 word Nocturne bite eBook for the eHarlequin.com site and so far I have one chapter. Only 14000 words to go, lol! But it's really grabbing me and I'm really thinking it's going to go to the end. If anyone wants to read it and give me an opinion I'd be happy to mail it to you (read: desperate for opinion as I am an opinion whore!).

The combo of Abilify and Pristiq have put me into a normal place. I feel like a normal person and my down days are very few. Only usually right around my period. Which is late thank goodness. It was due to start the same day of the convention so I hoped and hoped for my birthday I could have a late period and I got my wish!!

Been having a religious crisis for about a year now. Not necessarily that I chose to believe. Just that I wasn't sure whether I was agnostic or full blow atheist. This convention cemented my place as an atheist and it really felt good. It took a load off my shoulders. This is not meant a poke to anyone who believes in God, BTW. You all know me. I feel everyone should believe what they want without any opinion from me.

Aaron is getting bigger and the more I work with him the less I believe there is a remote chance he is Autistic. I think I just was too lenient for fear of being too harsh. So far so good!

Halloween was fun! Dressed up as a sort-of naughty nurse and Jim was my patient. Took Aaron trick-or-treating and he liked that for about a block and was done, lol. Then Jim and I went out to the karaoke bar and sang karaoke, drank, and hang out with friends. I'll have to post those pictures too!

I decided to grow my hair out! I'm just tired of it being as short as it is, granted it's not THAT short. But I'll still get it trimmed and colored. I just have hit the 'I want longer hair' phase again and so I'm going to do it.

Work honestly is going great though. I feel so humbled and so excited by how people say I'm doing so well as charge nurse and I've had more than one person (including my boss) say that I would be first choice or first recommendation for a full-time charge position. It blows me away, guys. It gives me chills to think that I am really doing THAT good. I am so just... wow. I am only trying to do the best job I can and learn and learn and learn and so to have someone say these things to me is just crazy and wonderful.

Also started writing to penpals and that is so exciting! I love writing on paper and the two gals I've written to so far I really feel a great connection to. XD

Crap. I can't think of anything else. But I will! And I'll post again. It'll be a giant picture post. I hope all of you are well and I'm so sorry I'm so behind and haven't been paying attention to what's going on with you guys.

Hope everyone will have a good Halloween! I haven't been LJing like I should because they blocked it at work. O_O Probably my fault, lol. So it'll be harder for me to get to updates. I've got two off coming up though and I do really want to update a huge update. Maybe I'll have to write it out at work and then post it when I get home, lol.

Hope everyone is doing good! There is so much sick going around. >_

I would do it. I loved being pregnant and I am very fertile. So I would love to help someone that way. My only worry is that I would get too attached to the child growing in me. Though I do know that if I had a friend who wanted me to do this, that she would let me see the baby a lot.

Also (waves) Hey LJ! I've been super busy. I need to make an update. ^_^;;;

Okay I am a little crazy without sleep here so let's see if I can do a good update. Aaron decided getting up at 3:30AM was good. And I didn't sleep at all yet because Jim got home from school and we thought we would stay up and do fun parent stuff. XD; So Jim gets to sleep until 10AM because I work tonight so I'll lay down from then until 5PM. So it'll be good. Until then I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open as I type.

I've had three visits with my psychologist so far and each time goes really well. I learn more and more and it's crazy how just a visit can help me so much. I really like him. He seems to understand that I need a mixture of cerebral and psychological to explain how things work and he's already given me so many tools. It's just... wow. Jim kept saying how much it would help but I couldn't imagine that it would really help as much as it is!

Um, gotta stop taking the Valium though. That shit is building up in my system or something and even if I take 1/4 a dose of 5mg I'm still so tired I can barely stay awake. So no more of this. When I see Brent again I'm going to tell him that I need something less harsh. Sucks how the Xanax was less harsh but it didn't work for me. Urgh.

I'm having way too much joint pain lately. Got tested for arthritis but that's negative. My psychologist who shall be now called Randy to make it easier than having to type out my PCP, psychiatrist (who is Brent), or my psychologist, explained the gluten sensitivity further and how they test for that with a scope down the throat and more biopsies and tests versus the colonoscopy I had. So I'm scheduled to get an EGD on the 20th. If all this pain issue for my joints is gluten that's simple enough. It'll such because I'm such a wheat, barley, rye lover... But hey, it's an easy fix AND I'll lose weight.

Exercise is NOT going well because it hurts too much to do it. And afterward it hurts even more for days. Jim and I talked and he decided he'd be okay working only one day a week or just pimping out his welding skills since his school is really getting demanding. This way I can sign up for water aerobics a the YMCA. I think that will make it much easier to exercise and I won't hurt so much like regular aerobics cause.

( Uhm, because this entry is loooooooong )

I know there is more I want to post but I am so tired I need to go lay down on the couch for a bit. Laters!

I hope to make a longer journal entry at work tonight. :) It'll explain why I'm having issues doing things that require sitting still for so long, lol. But I do want to leave a positive message before I go get ready for work. Just because it also makes me feel good.

I have awesome co-workers. They are like family to me. The ones I was working with last night discussed it with me and they all agree. We have a great group. I'm so proud of us and I really love working with them. :)

You guys probably wouldn't think it weird of me to update at this hour except I'm off. :/ I just woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. I actually took call from 11PM to 7:30AM but since I stopped the Xanax and started the Valium and Abilify I find I need less sleep. I like that I need less sleep and that I'm not too tired when I can't sleep but I'm sure it's not exactly a great side-effect, lol. But as long as I'm not exhausted from it I'll take it over those two dark weeks anyday.

( Religion talk and I know not everyone is comfortable with it so I don't mind making a cut )

sisyphean told me about how on http://www.eharlequin.com/ how you can write a 15,000 word Nocturne (their paranormal line) e-book and can submit without having an agent. Since Harlequin and Silhouette are all I honestly want to write for because they have so many romantic lines to express yourself in I'm excited. I'm finally getting an idea together and I'm going to give it a shot. I can't even tell you how much it would mean to me if I could get published even with such a small book. Plus with my fear of large sized books and deadlines this is a perfect start. sisyphean is doing it and hers rocks so far. If she doesn't get published I might have to go bitch slap someone.

But I think part of my issues lately with depression have stemmed from how I haven't been fulfilling my writing needs enough. I've been writing steadily since I was 11 and since Aaron I've slowed down. It shows sometimes because this was my major outlet besides reading to express myself. And by not doing it enough (not Aaron's fault. :) I just want to try to divide my time to be the best parent possible and wow... My stuff goes by the wayside to do it) I think I'm feeling a loss in myself. Same with not reading enough. I watch TV shows and I love that, but it's not enough sometimes.

I really really really appreciate everyone's support over my fears for Aaron. I haven't replied directly yet but I intend to. I just can't tell you guys how much you all mean to me. You are another support system, friends, people I wish I could see often in real-life. I don't give a shit how bad it's supposed to look when you consider on-line people some of your closest friends. You guys are important to me; if it weren't for the internet there would've been no way to meet so many wonderful people. I would've missed out on so many experiences and friendships. I think the net does have it's bad things, sure, but to me, it's been the best experience -- I learned to write better one here, I met so many wonderful people, and this was my safe haven when my life at home was a horrible mess and I felt I had no where else to turn.

I've been researching Autism and I don't think that it really is what Aaron has. Because I've been looking really closely at him for any signs that they say are key elements of Autism and honestly, I can't find any specific one. I think it might be that it's me. And I don't have a problem with that. I overcompensated for having the mom I did and I wanted Aaron to grow up knowing he was loved, supported, and could be himself. But I protect him TOO MUCH and I think it's taught him to cry and throw fits instead of expressing himself fully.

He's also only three and I have to remember not to expect to much. But we're still taking him to a child psychologist because if it is me then I need to learn how to manage his meltdowns better and how to help him express things better.

A lot of people at work who have 3+ kids say they also think part of it is only-child syndrome. And even though he interacts with some kids, he really doesn't have any in the family close enough to his age to play with constantly. I need to set up more playdates with my friend, but that's hard sometimes too for both of us because she's sole money bringer right now and has to work a lot.

So no matter what truly is wrong with him, I'm feeling a lot better about it. Talking helps me, research helps me, and now we're just going to go to someone who can truly tell us more because they have more experience.

Today is my next appointment with Gluten Boy (I shouldn't call him that, I know, but I can't help myself). So we'll see how it goes. I'm just going to flat out tell him my tests were negative and that we need to get past this so I can talk about the past, the now, my issues in general. My struggles, etc. I need to learn better coping mechanisms. I need to learn how to allow myself the wide spectrum of emotion and how to work through it rather than fight it. But if it doesn't work out, they have quite a few there to choose from.

And now, I should get off here and see if I can get more sleep.

Got the flu shot a few days ago and then it gave me mild flu. Ucky-fied. I just kept downing the Benadryl, Sudafed, Aleve, and the once daily Claritin and I made it through work and life. With naps, of course. I mean, not at work, but man I wish!

Had my first counseling appointment. Not sure what I thought of him. He looked at my IBS history and asked if I thought I was allergic to Gluten because a lot of people allergic to it have depression. I hadn't gotten my testing back from the colonoscopy yet so I wasn't sure. Talked to him about my past and he's like 'well maybe your mom has gluten issues to'! And "I don't want to over-identify since my wife has this and all..." And he was pretty ah, hahaha, hehehe about things. It was a little weird because he kept bringing the gluten thing up and I almost felt like he wasn't listening to anything I was saying because he was on his new theory of gluten issues. Needless to say, my testing has come back negative and I'm giving him one more try on Wednesday. If I still don't feel like we click I'll try a different counselor there.

Stopped Xanax and started Valium. I must say the Valium is working better. I also added Abilify to my anti-depressant and I'm feeling a little more grounded as well. Quit taking Pepcid because the acid was coming back and quit taking Ditropan because it was, ah, getting hard to pee with it. I figure better to pee all the time than have issues peeing. Besides that, since stopping the Ditropan I feel better as well. Might be the fact that it's an anti-cholinergic and messes with the brain sending messages to other parts of the brain.

Who knows! All I know is I'm feeling somewhat better so far.

The stress popped up my rarely there cold sore however. It is being killed into nothingness with the lovely OTC Abrevia. Which is nice because it's always RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of my top lip and itches like the dickens.

Today was good for the watching of Zombieland. That was pretty much the most fucking awesomest movie I have seen in a long time.

When I went back to my aunt's to get Aaron, however, my uncle picked him up and he freaked out. Jim thought my uncle was being to rough with him and they had words. Then I told my aunt he freaks out a little too much about everything and that when I ask him to express his emotions versus screaming he doesn't seem to be able to. So that lead to talk of their worries that have been in the back of my mind, him possibly being mildly autistic.

My cousin had pretty severe autism that he's worked through really well and he's pretty normal. My best friend has a severely autistic son who I think will probably live with her the rest of his life.

In the back of my mind I've worried about a few of Aaron's habits. His repetitive sounds he makes sometimes to soothe himself and the meltdown over EVERYTHING. It doesn't matter what it is, he cries.

So I have no idea if this is a normal 3 year old thing or if he may have a mild form of autism. Mine and Jim's idea is to take him to a child psychologist and have a long talk to see what they think by observing him. Meanwhile I will research this thoroughly as is my way and... I don't know. I'm fucking scared out of my mind here guys. It's not that I thing there's 'something wrong with Aaron'. It's not like that at all. I just want him to have the same chances other kids have, to grow up and be as normal as can be like the rest of us.

I would hate to think that he might have to go through classes or counseling or a bunch of stuff to help him learn to better express his emotions. I'm afraid of the toll it might take on him.

I just don't know. I just know if there really is something going on there, I need to help him. I need him to be able to function how he's meant to.

God, I don't know. Jim and I fought about it for a while, both of us stressed that there may be something holding Aaron back from his growth. We cried about it. I just want my poor boy to be a little boy, a little kid, growing up and doing what little kids should. I don't want him to have to struggle in any way that he won't already have to.

Just... Please send me your good thoughts. I know I'm an Atheist, but if you want to pray for me too, I would appreciate that as well. I just want my baby to be okay.

Cherry Dr. Pepper is reddish in color.

Yesterday I wanted to rip someone's face off and today I'm so mellow I could melt into the floor.

I can't quit listening to this song on Youtube. There are parts of me in it and somehow that made me feel better.

Know what gets me? Heroin users who come in after having used up all their veins POKING THEMSELVES WITH NEEDLES, missed a vein that created an abcess that is raging with infection, and then tell me "I hate needles! Ow I am dying so much because the lab person poked me to get my blood and it hurts and I am almost in tears!" and "push my medications really slow because I have no veins and my IV site is really tender and it HURTS SO BAD to get poked with a needle" (just for FYI, I push meds slow anyway because they are hard on veins and hurt).

Um, WTF? You POKE YOURSELF WITH NEEDLES and create really nasty owies that get infected and make you really sick but we can't draw your blood for these really important labs or put new IVs in you if you need them because it hurts really bad?

How does that make sense? It does not make sense. How can you hate needles when you poke yourselves with them probably everyday? It just makes it hard to be sympathetic when you act silly about it, person.

Man I am irritable. WTH. I think it must be PMS. I am due to start in a week, lol.

Sometimes, honestly, the mean, rude, evil, crazy, nasty, selfish people in the world make me want to blow it up. I just don't get people. I don't understand how people can think/do some of the things they do and find it okay! NUTZ!

Yesterday I was driving in the slow lane going 60mph. Someone in a van was behind me driving RIGHT UP MY BEHIND. I break twice quickly as a 'hey, back off, please'. They do and then go right up on me again. Then it's my exit and as I'm getting off they flip ME off. It's like... Um, I was in the slow lane and if it's THAT IMPORTANT that you go fast why didn't you go around me?! It is not safe you moronic POS to drive like that on the freeway!!

Then, same day, on my way to work I'm going 60mph on the two lane freeway leading into town because it's right close by my work. I have to slow down to 55mph (which is the speed limit on this freeway, BTW) because the person in front of me slows down. Person RIGHT ON MY BEHIND again. I break twice quickly and they fly around me, cut me off, LAUGH so that I can see it in their side mirrors, and then get off a little bit down the road at the exit. URGH! WTF?! NOT SAFE. RUDE.

I guess I reacted more to this than usual because I'm just sick of rude/mean people.

Oh, and day before yesterday Jim dropped me off at Target and went over to Safeway which is just a short walk away. I decided to walk from Target to Safeway and there's a crosswalk leading across the road where cars stop from all sorts of crazy spots and have to let each other go and that never works right, etc.

Anyhow, these three skinny blonde chicks in a white HONDA (HATE THESE CARS!! No offense to any Honda lovers, but most people that drive them are young, rude, and crazy on the road so even though I know it's silly to hate all Hondas I can't seem to help myself) motion for me to go. So I go and then they yell at the window, "you're so hot!" in that rude sort of way that says "you are so NOT hot". And it's like... No, I'm not the skinniest or best looking person in the world, but at least I'm NICE!

Still... I tried not to let it bother me, but it does. I spent all my school years minus college being told how ugly I was and though I know I'm not ugly, I still have issues with it. I have a higher self-esteem than I ever have, but it's not chink proof.

So. Needless to say, I'm kinda sick of people right now.

The last few days my belly hasn't liked me. Well, I don't like it either. So there.

I haven't really done a whole lot of updates lately. I've been up and down with my moods. I'm not too thrilled with that. I have a counseling appt on the 30th, but I'm not sure if a med change is in order. And that really gets old. I just don't even feel like contemplating it right now.

I am cooking spicy chicken pieces in the oven. Yummy. That won't help my belly though, lol. I'm a dork.

Honestly, this is a silly update but I'm not in the mood to do a serious one just yet. Maybe tonight at work. All depending. I always think I'll be able to update at work and then work gets crazy and... You get the idea.

I am pleased that I've managed to exercise three days a week in the past two weeks. I'm trying to get back on track there. I know I need to take responsibility for my health because it's important. If I want to live to an old age and not feel shitty, lol.

I love my cat, but he's kind of a dork and a pain in the butt. He meows loudly outside in the middle of the night, shoves the other (and older) cat out of his cat food dish, and gets up on the counter to get into food. No matter how many times you take him down. I guess he's a free spirit.

We might have found a costume for Aaron. Jim found a fireman's costume for a dollar at a garage sale and Aaron is wearing it around. It even comes with a hat. If I wasn't feeling lazy, I'd post the pictures on this entry. That's one thing that Facebook makes too easy, putting up photos. So I've been putting them up there instead of here.

I'm actually going to have to do one big picture update, I think. I've just got to load them all on photobucket.

All right. I'm off to eat my bad for my tummy food.

I got into Firefly late because I've actually really never been good at following series on TV. I usually get into them later by buying them on DVD. Now that I'm doing Netflix I can keep up with more and more series and I'm so excited. In any case, I am so sad there is only one season and the movie. Very sad.

Of all the shows I've ever watched, Bones and Firefly are by far my favorite so far.

Interesting how off our perceptions can be because of how much we live inside our own heads. It seems when you feel you are acting/looking your worst is when you get compliments. And it just goes to show you can be a horrible judge of your own self. The worst critic. Hahaha, and then when you think you have the best hair day ever no one says anything. Guess that's what I get for being vain, lol.

Man, some days, this charge nurse business is too much. Probably more-so because I'm OCD, anal, and a perfectionist. I want to know what's going on. I want to help everyone. I easily take on too much to assure it all gets done. It's a wonder I'm not a raving idiot some days. Self you really need to learn to take a chill pill.

I think we need a fun day. Going out or something. I'm getting a little antsy and easily distressed.

Seriously, sometimes I hate living in my own head. If I could rip my brain out and stomp in it a little while I would.

Sometimes I am amazed that next month I will have been a 'nurse' for 7 years. Most of it was LPN, but honestly I did pretty much the same thing as an RN did, especially in the nursing home. I'm just amazed that only three years after this and it will be 10 years in this profession. Holy crap.

Oh jeez. There's a leaking radiator in the heater in one of the rooms now. Water is just all over the floor. Crazy. I can't wait until we move to our new floor. There's always something wonky going on here... Off I go!

lol, a doctor came up and saw my House icon. It was funny because she says she hates that show because there is no way that House could just order all those expensive tests and get away with it no matter how talented his diagnostic skills are. She said she was on an ethics committee for a while too and that there is no way he would be allowed to work hooked on narcs. It's all so true and it's funny because I never thought about how doctors would view that show.


And now I'm off. End of shift report.

Hey guess what? No internet at home again because Jim bought a new desk. The desk is up but the internets are not hooked up because he hasn't had time. So work being work and busy I am behind again! Yay! Go me!

This is a drive-by posting brought to you by me. I think I'm grumpy. Yup. Grumpy.

I would tell them. It's kinda childish to let them go around like that. They'll make a mistake themselves somewhere down the line and get what they deserve if they are so annoying. I'm not going to be part of it!

On the same token, I also tell my friends. :) I won't let anyone go around with a booger hanging out of their nose or food on their shirt!