We're Missing Something

Wow I have been very bad about posting on here. And Facebook as well. It's not that I've been doing anything exciting. Just going through a "I don't want to get on the internet much' phase. That and my last days off I hogged all the time of Jim and Aaron and didn't want to share them with anyone.

Writing goes naught. I'm not discouraged so much as I feel like a well gone dry of ideas. Not having any ideas leads to not having any creative urges to produce anything. Which kinda sucks, but, eh... I really don't feel like writing.

My mental state is up and down and all around. Some days I get really sick of my own brain. I would love a brain transplant.

Aaron is throwing lovely temper tantrums now and potty training is going poopy. He'll go if we take him but not by himself and sometimes if we take him he throws a fit about us taking him. I don't want negative associations with potty training but then again, I don't feel I can give up on him because he's 3 and a half.

We took him to a 3 year check up and the doc says he seems like a normal little boy to her. She says the temper tantrums are normal for his age and we just have to keep doing the time out thing and hopefully he'll grow out of them. The potty training I guess will come some day (or year as it feels) and in poking around on-line a lot of boys are like this.

But I'm still majorly stressing over his tantrums and his potty training and I wish I wouldn't. We've tried all different routes to entice him to care about being wet and to want to potty train but he just is a stubborn boy and doesn't care.

This is one trait I wish he hadn't inherited from his dad, lol.

So I am alive, LJ-land, I swear. Just lost in my own little world of worries.

I'm really frustrated with this writing thing. I'm not upset about being rejected, I'm just anxious about what it is they want exactly. I've been reading through a book that talks about how to write romance and reading the stories of the particular one I submitted to. And I just feel like maybe I can't put it all together very well.

I know I can write. I just can't seem to put it together how it needs to be to make a cohesive story, I guess. I got kinda spoiled by the open-ended writing lists I did on here for so long. We didn't have to adhere to such strict guidelines and were free to let the plot go where we wanted. This requires so much more structure and condensing.

I really want to do it though! I've started up another one and I'm kinda stalled because this whole thing is so frustrating. I don't know whether to keep pushing on or to just take a break for a bit.

I'm sketchy on my plot as well and I know I really need it to be tight for a short story that goes no longer than 15000 words. That really limits you and in some ways I didn't realize it would be harder to write a smaller story than a bigger one! I thought it would be easier to start small and try for bigger later.

It's just... I read some of the stories and the writing is on the same caliber of mine, so that just begs the question as to what I'm doing wrong. I've got to figure that out. It's driving me a little crazy and my OCD is kicking in, wanting to fix it RIGHT NOW and not later.

ARGH.

I got my answer on my short story already. Once I saw it in there I knew it couldn't be a good thing when they say it takes 3-4 months to respond and I just sent it December 23rd. And I was right. They rejected it.

Honestly, I feel really bummed. I mean, if I can't even pull it together for a short story, how the hell am I ever going to get a novel going? I really would love to be published some day but I'm starting to doubt I have what it takes it get a novel together. Oh, I can write. I know I have the talent to write. I just can't seem to make it come together in a cohesive unit.

Man, I did not need this shit right now. Not with the way things have been going lately. I could've easily waited a couple more months for rejection.

I am restless. I am insanely bored and want lots of things I can't have. It's too close to bedtime and I don't want to go to bed. But I can't figure out what the hell I want to do instead. Grr. I hate moments like these. Makes me want to scramble my brains a bit and see what I get out of it.

We went to town a lot today and did errands. It was nice to get out of the house for a while. With all this withdrawal stuff going on I was kinda being a hermit. I just wish it was warmer and sunny and non-raining. I am not a winter girl. I miss summer and fall very much. Those are my better months.

I want to write badly but I have no clue. Nothing monumentally big. Just some little fic I can share on here or on ff.net or something. I just have a need to write and share it for some reason. I've written a lot of stuff that's never seen the light of day I just feel like doing something that will.

I have this random cough now. I have no clue if it's related to the withdrawal or I'm getting something. I wouldn't be surprised if I was as down as my immune system has been this past week or so with all of this stress and anxiety. At least Tylenol and benadryl help with the aches and the stuffy head. So I'm good for life and work. Just annoyed by this cough that's slightly stirring something in my chest, just not much. It's a little weird actually.

Jim has been driving me crazy today. He's so... grumpy about things. Especially no patience for Aaron today. So Momma Bear immediately comes out in me and I want to jump his ass and tell him to take a chill pill. But sometimes I wonder if I'm just being over-protective so I have to be careful and take a step back. Still, I never hesitate to tell him if I think he's being a turd to Aaron. That comes with the mom territory!

Aaron though has been a bit poopy today in Jim's defense. He's kinda driving me crazy too. I'm wondering if I need me time all by my lonesome. I haven't taken any in... Well, in a long time. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself if I do. And I'm torn because I want to see Aaron and Jim as much as possible on my days off. When I work I feel I see them barely at all. Which in truth I do because it's to work, then home to bed, then up to work again. No time for much hanging out.

Potty training is frustrating lately too. Aaron seems to be backsliding and peeing more in his pull-up. I honestly don't think he cares. He's never been bothered by being wet or poopy from day one like some babies. I kinda knew it would make potty training hard. I'm just anxious about it because I want him to go to pre-school. I know it would b good for him and he'd love it. But around here I do believe it's a pre-requisite that they are potty trained.

Argh. Keep pushing on, I guess.

Time to get off here. Aaron needs quiet time and all his bedtime routines so we can get him in bed. This is around his bedtime. Which works pretty well, actually. Sleep is never a problem, lol.

For the past week I feel like I've been going crazy. Jittery, nausea, migraine-like headaches, weird brain zaps, tremors, crying at the drop of a hat (I cried at work the other night; not good!) severe anxiety, wanting to sleep all the time, severe depression, flu/cold like symptoms, diarrhea, stomach in knots. dizzy... I finally realized it coincided with the dropping of my Pristiq from 100mg to 50mg. I had NO idea that I would get withdrawal like this. I was so worried something was wrong with ME. I thought I was going to be a freaking loony person and get thrown on the psych floor.

I am soooo relieved to find that I'm not the only one and that it will get better. I was about ready to go jump off a bridge or something.

I looked it up today and found out that all the symptoms I've been having are the ones people get when they get off of it. It's HORRIBLE. Honestly, if I'd known it was like this before I started it I wouldn't have taken it. I researched it to see how it worked for people but never ran across the withdrawal issues. I think because it's a relatively knew drug.

Most people when they get off it take a dose every other day, then every two days, etc. If this is what happens just going from 100 to 50, imagine what will happen if I have to get off of it all together? O_O I am scared to death of that day. I can't take more of this. It's been a whole hellatious week. I thought I was getting the flu and stayed home from work yesterday. Hah. Turns out ALL of this stems just from that damn med.

If I have to get off it all-together at some point at least now I know how to decrease it slower and hopefully alleviate the severity of the side-effects. Today is the first day I'm starting to feel more normal so I hope I'm on the recovery end of things. No wonder it's so hard for addicts to quit. Taking hard drugs is probably ten times worse than what I'm going through and this is bad enough.

I don't think I'd recommend this med to anyone. I'm staying on it on the lower dose while it works because it has no side-effects while I'm taking it. And upping it just made me numb. That's why we decreased it and added Wellbutrin back in to see if we could help pick up my mood. I think though that my mood was just down because the Pristiq was making me so darn numb at such a high dose.

I have not been myself AT ALL this past week and it's taking a toll on me and I can see Aaron too. I feel so terrible about it. I had no idea this was going to happen. I wish I had so I could've tapered it. I was on the 100mg for 3 weeks so my body got used to it I guess and the sudden stopping back down was like whoa, who put the breaks on.

Jim is awesomely supportive. He is helping through this so well and keeps reminding me that it's the medication and that it is finally starting to get better. Man... As much as I feel crappy now, it is still better than being numb. Especially knowing I'll finally get past this and feel more like myself.

Here's hoping tomorrow is an even better day! Please, please, please medicine gods.

It's 3AM and my mind says 'hey, let's be awake!'. :/ Not a clue why! So I'm hitting an anti-histamine even though I hate doing that and waiting for it to kick in and make me sleepy. So much for the Ambien I took earlier. It only let me sleep four hours.

Edit: It's been an hour almost. Why isn't anything making me sleepy? :(

I love this song Heartbreak Warfare by John Mayer. I have it on repeat on my iTunes.

Also, lately I have been watching Castle and I think it's a really cute show. Nathan Fillion is the awesomest of the awesome. Even if he isn't being Malcom from Firefly. :( I just love getting to watch him in something and in something that's good!


Man, I seriously hope my anxiety issues stem from med-screwing-around in vain attempts to fix my insane head. I'm getting heartily sick of this. It's like a giant weight on my chest. And not pleasant either, like the weight of a man or a cat. ^_~

Then again, I suppose anyone up at 4AM feels a little crazy.

Okay lately when I come to work I keep getting anxiety. It's so strange. Nothing has changed and I handle things like I usually handle things. It's an odd feeling of almost not doing what I'm supposed to be doing or not doing enough but I am. It's just driving me crazy. It makes me want to stay home. :/

I'm a little bit tired of people in general at work too. I think I must just be getting burnt out or something. Not cool. I've not felt this way before really. At least not for a long period of time.

Oh man tonight at work is going by so slowly and I am tiiiiiired. I want to go home to my pillow and sleep next to my Jim. I kinda hate getting home and crawling into bed only to have him have to get up shortly thereafter. Ah, I suppose that's just the price one pays for working graveyard. If I worked days I'd have to go to bed earlier than him and get up before him too. So either way... :)

Exercising is going well. I have managed 4 days this week. I even got up early for both days before work and did it. That's something I've not managed before so I was proud of myself.

Today is the first day of the lovely menstrual so it's hard to judge my weight. I always gain 5 pounds of water! Woo hoo! And look about nine bazillion months pregnant, lol. So I've got to remember to let this week pass before I really get antsy about my weight. But it's hard not to be irritated when I look in the mirror.

I need to be more accepting of myself. I don't know why that is so hard.

Well, coffee and energy drink downed and none of it helping. I don't know why it has to take so much energy to have a monthly anyway. Argh. I feel like I've been up for years or something.

Sleeeeep how I crave thee...

There's a lot of reflection in this entry. It's raw and maybe not something everyone wants to read. But I need to put it down because then I'm responsible for it. If I do it in my own journal where only I can read, then it almost feels like I'm hiding who I am. Because I don't often speak of this part of myself to you guys, just the superficial 'hey here's what's going on in my life' stuff.

I'm going to put it under a cut though so that people can skip over it if you like. No replies are necessary either. This isn't a bid for sympathy. I'm just a messed up person trying to figure myself out and sometimes it really just gets ugly fighting for my sanity.

( Down the well of my dark thoughts )

Happy New year to everyone! 2010. I hope this year is better for everyone all around. We can call it our new start if need be. Like taking a cleansing breath and stepping through a door into the first day of the rest of our life. And all we really have to accomplish is living better for ourselves in any way possible.

We hung out at home and watched Star Trek: Generations movie and then listened to the fireworks going off outside while Jim and I talked in bed. Aaron watched Up! and then went to bed early because he was tired.

I'm up still because too much is swirling in my head and despite Ambien, I can't seem to sleep.

Sorry I've been terrible about journaling and replying on here. I've just been going through rough patches lately and when I go through them I might as well admit it, I just close myself off from everyone and everything. It's no reflection on you guys, all on me. It doesn't mean I don't care about what happens in your lives. It just means I can't pull my head out of my own long enough to sound interesting.

I can't promise to be better about it, but I'm sure going to try. It's one of my New Year's resolutions. To better keep up with friends both on-line and off. And keep up exercising. I'd love to lose weight but I'd really rather just focus on friends, family, and getting healthy.

Hullo! Hope everyone had a good Christmas. We went to three dinners! So I ate too much at each one and probably gained 5 pounds, lol. Can't help it though. All the food was so good.

Aaron really enjoyed Christmas this year. He was very into it. We went to my Aunt's the 23rd because my uncle is always Santa and Aaron sat on his lap this year and was very serious about answering 'Santa Claus' questions, as he called him. He was very excited about all his gifts and loved opening them.

At my mom's we have the tradition of waiting until everyone has a gift before you open and he was really good about waiting until everyone had a gift, lol. He was really very sweet about all of it.

Potty training is going okay. I'm still not very good at it. I think I suck at it more than Aaron. We are just trying to sit him on the potty all the time and see if he goes. He's in pull-ups but the problem is, he doesn't take himself there. We have to keep doing it. So I'm not sure when he is going to care and actually go himself. Oi.

I finally got myself in gear (again) and started exercising the last few days. I'm hoping to try to eat better too now that the holidays are over. I need to lose some weight! I've gained 5 pounds for sure and maybe more since all these turkey dinners.

No snow here. I'm actually kinda glad. We had to hike up my parent's driveway last year just to get to their house for Christmas. It was nice to be able to just drive wherever we needed to go and not worry about it.

My very favoritest gifts were my potion's master mug that my sister Britt got me with Snape's face and the inscription underneath it! I squealed like all get out when I saw that. It's even green!! Also my fairy that my mom got me. Now I have two fairys. I can never bring myself to buy them but I really like them. Also, Jim got us his and hers necklaces with runes inscribed in them that mean 'promise, love, forever'. It was so sweet. ^___^

But best of all is just having my family.

Gosh I have nothing exciting to post. I think that's partly why I haven't posted much lately. Life is just going on as life and as usual!

We put our tree up and Aaron was so cute at helping. He's doing better at potty training thanks to the dilligence of Jim, yay! Jim is a Super Daddy! I, on the other hand, suck at the potty training and even kinda dread it. Does that sound terrible? Potty training is one of the few things I dreaded before even becoming a parent. It's a little weird, I guess.

Oh! We sold one of our cars, so that's great. It's extra income to get us back down to where we need to be after having to loan out money to a family member for stuff. Couldn't let the bad stuff happen, but it kinda strapped our reserves that we save for 'just in case'. So selling the car will help us get it all paid off faster.

I'm working on editing my little mini-novel finally. I've been putting it off. Part lazy just part freaked out about actually submitting something. So I'm more than half-way through editing and then I'm just going to submit it and just not give it another thought for 3-4 months as that's how long it takes for them to get back to you.

I've been going through a grumpy not wanting to be at work stage. I go through those once in a while I think. I just get tired of, well, people, lol. Even after I've had four days off to re-charge the batteries I'm just kinda like rawr, I don't want to be here and I don't want to do this. We have a lot of needy patients right now so it's kinda hard too.

I'm excited because I get Christmas Eve, Christmas day, and New years Eve off. So we get to do all the family stuff and maybe go out New Years. Drinking doesn't agree with my meds though I found out by realizing I get sick feeling like a short tummy flu after drinking. So I can't get all stupid drunk like last year, lol. But we can still go out and have fun.

Well, can't think of anything else at the moment. Just need to read up on you guys!

Whoa nelly, I am updating!

Seriously this has been a yuck week. I went home sick from work and then missed a second day. Slept for the second day I missed pretty much all day long. Somehow I threw out my back now and it really sucks. It's a bitch just to stand so I'm hoping by Friday when I go back to work it will be nice again. I can't imagine how well that's going to go otherwise.

Did not attempt NaNoWrimo this year because I was too focused on my e-book. Congrats to all the winners though! I'm really excited to be done with my e-book but I'm putting off editing it because that's the worst part. Ugh. Actually, most of the time I don't mind, but right now I'm in a funk so life is, well, funky.

I hate depression, guys. I fight it and fight it so much. I get on meds that work and then they don't work and then get on new ones that work and feel great! And then they don't work again. So up a dose here, try a new one there, whatever. I just get so sick of this. I don't want to be in these funks where I don't want to do anything but sleep but I can't seem to stop it. I think of all the wonderful things I could be doing: reading, writing, watching my Netflix, hanging with my boys... And all I want is a nap.

It just gets reaaaaaaally old. I thought I was in a better place again but BAM! Down I go. I've also gained ten pounds in the last month. Grr. My eating habits have sucked and I dunno if it's to do with the funk or what. Like the depression my appetite goes up and down and so does my weight.

With the joint pain, it's hard to exercise. That contributes some to the depression I think. Because I want to exercise and get healthier. I actually started again, and then this week hit with the sick and the thrown out back and I'm all fucked up. And that depresses me too even though it's all out of my control. I still somehow feel like I messed up somehow.

I want to have more confidence in myself but I have to admit that I'm afraid to submit my e-book. I know rejection is possible. I'm just not in a place where I can take rejection right now. But my sis sent hers in and you wait I think she said somewhere between 3 to 5 months to hear back. So maybe by then all my moods will be aligned, lol!

Saw New Moon and liked it a lot. I'm not a huge OMG diehard fan of Twilight. I like it. I like the books and the movies, but I'm definitely not a rabid fan that thinks the sun rises and sets on them. I don't even think she's a particularly fantastic writer. I just love vampires and romance and well there you go.

Saw the new Star Trek again now that it's out on video. Loved that movie. Man it's so fun to see the origins of it all and I think the actors were fantastic in their roles. My nerd is showing!

Counseling is going really well. The therapist and I meshed after the second visit and I really like him. Going back next week. Going back week after next to the psychiatrist to tweak the meds. Urgh. Sometimes the whole cycle gets old. Bitch. Moan. Whine. Moan. Bitch.

Aaron is so funny, I swear. He just keeps getting so much bigger. Our only obstacle seems to be in potty training. And just to appease my worries, we're taking him for a 3 year check up and seeing if he's doing okay with that whole emotional expression issue.

Okay enough of the depressing.

I wanna make a picture post but I'm too lazy now, lol. It's much harder here than over at Facebook. Anyone have FB by the way that I'm not friends with? I'd like to friend everyone! :)

Happy Turkey Day to everyone! I hope you all enjoy it!

I am a bad updater and a bad replier. That all sounds like bad grammar as well, lol.

In any case, I have finished my Nocturne e-book just shy of the 15000 word limit. If anyone wants to read it to offer crit or even just opinions that would be so much appreciated! My next step is editing it and getting it ready for submission. Scary! O_O

Oh! If you do want to read it, e-mail me at mommy2aaron@yahoo.com and I can send it to you in a word document.

I know I suck. I never update. I've been just kind anti-social even on Facebook. I've actually been working away on my Nocturne E-book and doing pretty good so far! I'm excited. Also working four days in a row and I get so cranky when I work more than three so I'm not too into doing a whole lot. Well I can't except sleep really. Heh.

Unfortunately, since my last post I've gained 5 pounds rather than lost, lol. I've been a monster with the candybars lately. I was hoping that decreased appetite thing would last. Time to get back to drinking my tea. And since my pain is decreased with the meds I'm on, also to exercise.

Gah, I have no idea how you all are doing. I feel so bad!

Okay must do more work so I can't talk anymore now. I have five days off though so my lazy butt should do an update worthy of hardly any updates lately.

Thanks to everyone who replied to my freak out entry. It turns out I didn't remember all of what he'd said to me. No big surprise as he'd woken me from an Ambien induced slumber. I think you were right, Jonas, that he really was just having some doubts. It is all worked out now. We are still going to get married and probably in a different location than before. I actually followed your advice too Jonas without actually getting to read your reply first, lol. I just didn't feel like waking him up when I was in freak-out mode was going to work.

But I REALLY appreciate all of your replies and advice and support, guys. You are the best.

I'd make more of an entry but I'm really just grumpy. Work was horrid last night and it's all right tonight. I'm must PMS-y. My lovely time of the month is 5 days late and it's prolonging the PMS so I just want to maim things and such. So no post is going to be very good. It'll just be a lot of useless complaining on my part.

Love you all. <3

HOLY SHIT!!!! (Okay, shit isn't holy so I have no idea why we say this).

I just realized that Jim woke me up mid-sleep (I went to bed early because I wasn't feeling too good. Thank goodness I just feel a little nauseated this morning. I'm so worried of catching the flu here. We've had honest to good cases of the Swine Flu in the hospital on the floor I work). He woke me up and said maybe we shouldn't get married after all.

WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK?!?!?!?!

You know how you are half asleep so you forget these things until they just slam you upside the head?

So after 4 years of being engaged he decides maybe we shouldn't get married?

He's still sleep and granted we need to talk about this more, but my gut is twisting here and I'm a little freaked out and a little close to crying. And I needed to talk about it somewhere with people I know who will be objective.

Why this sudden change of heart? I'm dying to shake him awake and ask him. He knows me. He knows when it's forever it's forever. I remember him... Now I remember him saying he thinks I'll get tired of him and leave him. Isn't that like saying you don't trust me when I tell you I love you and all of your faults no matter what?

Holy shit again.

Whoa, sorry I haven't posted in ages. Things have been super busy at work and I've been super lazy at home and using FB to post little itty bitty things. In any case, I just turned 32 yesterday and we got back from the FFRF convention. We spent Friday to Sunday there and it was amazing. We heard awesome speakers one of which was Ron Reagan. O_O Man oh man was he an excellent speaker. It was so crazy to be just feet away from Ronald Reagan's son!!!

I'll be posting pictures later when I'm not so lazy.

Work has been wild. Very wild and busy and apparently they have now blocked LJ so I can't update or get caught up there which was my primary catch-up place. Grrr. Must be my own fault, lol.

Um, writing... I am working on the 15000 word Nocturne bite eBook for the eHarlequin.com site and so far I have one chapter. Only 14000 words to go, lol! But it's really grabbing me and I'm really thinking it's going to go to the end. If anyone wants to read it and give me an opinion I'd be happy to mail it to you (read: desperate for opinion as I am an opinion whore!).

The combo of Abilify and Pristiq have put me into a normal place. I feel like a normal person and my down days are very few. Only usually right around my period. Which is late thank goodness. It was due to start the same day of the convention so I hoped and hoped for my birthday I could have a late period and I got my wish!!

Been having a religious crisis for about a year now. Not necessarily that I chose to believe. Just that I wasn't sure whether I was agnostic or full blow atheist. This convention cemented my place as an atheist and it really felt good. It took a load off my shoulders. This is not meant a poke to anyone who believes in God, BTW. You all know me. I feel everyone should believe what they want without any opinion from me.

Aaron is getting bigger and the more I work with him the less I believe there is a remote chance he is Autistic. I think I just was too lenient for fear of being too harsh. So far so good!

Halloween was fun! Dressed up as a sort-of naughty nurse and Jim was my patient. Took Aaron trick-or-treating and he liked that for about a block and was done, lol. Then Jim and I went out to the karaoke bar and sang karaoke, drank, and hang out with friends. I'll have to post those pictures too!

I decided to grow my hair out! I'm just tired of it being as short as it is, granted it's not THAT short. But I'll still get it trimmed and colored. I just have hit the 'I want longer hair' phase again and so I'm going to do it.

Work honestly is going great though. I feel so humbled and so excited by how people say I'm doing so well as charge nurse and I've had more than one person (including my boss) say that I would be first choice or first recommendation for a full-time charge position. It blows me away, guys. It gives me chills to think that I am really doing THAT good. I am so just... wow. I am only trying to do the best job I can and learn and learn and learn and so to have someone say these things to me is just crazy and wonderful.

Also started writing to penpals and that is so exciting! I love writing on paper and the two gals I've written to so far I really feel a great connection to. XD

Crap. I can't think of anything else. But I will! And I'll post again. It'll be a giant picture post. I hope all of you are well and I'm so sorry I'm so behind and haven't been paying attention to what's going on with you guys.

Hope everyone will have a good Halloween! I haven't been LJing like I should because they blocked it at work. O_O Probably my fault, lol. So it'll be harder for me to get to updates. I've got two off coming up though and I do really want to update a huge update. Maybe I'll have to write it out at work and then post it when I get home, lol.

Hope everyone is doing good! There is so much sick going around. >_

I would do it. I loved being pregnant and I am very fertile. So I would love to help someone that way. My only worry is that I would get too attached to the child growing in me. Though I do know that if I had a friend who wanted me to do this, that she would let me see the baby a lot.

Also (waves) Hey LJ! I've been super busy. I need to make an update. ^_^;;;

Okay I am a little crazy without sleep here so let's see if I can do a good update. Aaron decided getting up at 3:30AM was good. And I didn't sleep at all yet because Jim got home from school and we thought we would stay up and do fun parent stuff. XD; So Jim gets to sleep until 10AM because I work tonight so I'll lay down from then until 5PM. So it'll be good. Until then I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open as I type.

I've had three visits with my psychologist so far and each time goes really well. I learn more and more and it's crazy how just a visit can help me so much. I really like him. He seems to understand that I need a mixture of cerebral and psychological to explain how things work and he's already given me so many tools. It's just... wow. Jim kept saying how much it would help but I couldn't imagine that it would really help as much as it is!

Um, gotta stop taking the Valium though. That shit is building up in my system or something and even if I take 1/4 a dose of 5mg I'm still so tired I can barely stay awake. So no more of this. When I see Brent again I'm going to tell him that I need something less harsh. Sucks how the Xanax was less harsh but it didn't work for me. Urgh.

I'm having way too much joint pain lately. Got tested for arthritis but that's negative. My psychologist who shall be now called Randy to make it easier than having to type out my PCP, psychiatrist (who is Brent), or my psychologist, explained the gluten sensitivity further and how they test for that with a scope down the throat and more biopsies and tests versus the colonoscopy I had. So I'm scheduled to get an EGD on the 20th. If all this pain issue for my joints is gluten that's simple enough. It'll such because I'm such a wheat, barley, rye lover... But hey, it's an easy fix AND I'll lose weight.

Exercise is NOT going well because it hurts too much to do it. And afterward it hurts even more for days. Jim and I talked and he decided he'd be okay working only one day a week or just pimping out his welding skills since his school is really getting demanding. This way I can sign up for water aerobics a the YMCA. I think that will make it much easier to exercise and I won't hurt so much like regular aerobics cause.

( Uhm, because this entry is loooooooong )

I know there is more I want to post but I am so tired I need to go lay down on the couch for a bit. Laters!